Another Alli Moment
I'm finally going to catch up on some of the thoughts that have come across my mind lately. Ok, so these are really from about 4 weeks ago, but it still counts!
I got a little overwhelmed when I realized that when we grow up, people will know us individually, and not in the context of our friends and community here. For me, this means that people will meet me and get to know me as just me, not in terms of me and Erin and Lindsey. They won't understand most of my craziness and I won't be able to explain it.
I feel that there are a lot of people in 'my' generation are taking a strong interest in social issues and trying to balance out some of the inequalities within our world and love on people. What I've begun to wonder is what will the 'church' look like in 20 or 30 years when we're the ones in charge? It kind of excites me!
I think I was sitting in Brookens with Lindsey and we were talking about how at the end of our lives we would like to be able to sit back in an easy chair and watch the highlights. I'd like to see all those times that have shaped me, good and bad. I'd also like to see all those things, beautiful sunsets or landscapes, that I've tried so hard to remember. Like the Minnesota sunrise and sunset, Bald Knob Cross, how big the sky looks while driving down the interstate, the streets of Juarez, summer nights with fireflies all around just twinkling away, and oh so many more. I know that to see the process of becoming me and evolving, I have to see some hard stuff. I'd have to remember a lot of heart ache and unhappiness. But you can't know true happiness until you know the sadness and sorrow of life too.
I've gotten a healthy taste of spring and I like it! I love the feeling of the sun on my face, a gentle breeze rustling the trees, flowers blooming (not the trees, those make me sneeze), not wearing a jacket and scarf and a hat and gloves, wearing flip flops, and the overall joy that comes with the warm weather.
I'm being challenged this semester in lots of ways. Ways I didn't expect and ways I don't like. I suppose there's not going to just be a resting place until heaven.
Minnesota was amazing. I do no like children, but this one adorable girl made her way into my heart with her sweetness and joy. I helped her with her crafts and homework, we played tag together and I pushed her on a swing. She grabbed my hand while we were walking out to the playground and around the school. She liked me, she really did. I get kind of emotional when I think of her. I was wondering the other day what will happen when I forget her. What is she going to grow up to be? She has so many years ahead of her and she seems to have good people looking after her that care for her and I hope she gets challenged to be all that she can be and pushed to her full potential. I hope that sweet little girl grows up into an amazing woman.
I suppose it's good that I never become overly confident in my ability to lead. I think it keeps me humble and reliant. I always feel like I could be doing better.
I'm excited for Easter and going back to Bald Knob for their sunrise service.
I'm hesitant to see V again. I've managed to overcome a lot of the residual issues left behind from all of that, but I get nervous at the idea of actually being face to face with him. I guess that's why I'm waiting as long as possible. I told him I was aiming for a year, and it's been a pretty easy year of not seeing him, but it's quickly coming to an end and I know that situations may change and I'll actually be in southern Illinois a few times in the upcoming month and a run in is possible. I wasn't careful enough at Christmas and almost had a face to face. Our friendship is coming along and I don't find myself frustrated or bitter with him very often. But I also don't want to see him while he's in a relationship he knows is doomed for failure. So we'll see.
I'm just waiting for the semester to be over. I feel stuck because this phase is ending so soon, and I can't start the next phase until this one is over. But I don't want this one to be over but I do and it's all just so confusing and emotional and hard.
So I'm just here. I've began, but I don't know how to end. That's the story of my life.
I got a little overwhelmed when I realized that when we grow up, people will know us individually, and not in the context of our friends and community here. For me, this means that people will meet me and get to know me as just me, not in terms of me and Erin and Lindsey. They won't understand most of my craziness and I won't be able to explain it.
I feel that there are a lot of people in 'my' generation are taking a strong interest in social issues and trying to balance out some of the inequalities within our world and love on people. What I've begun to wonder is what will the 'church' look like in 20 or 30 years when we're the ones in charge? It kind of excites me!
I think I was sitting in Brookens with Lindsey and we were talking about how at the end of our lives we would like to be able to sit back in an easy chair and watch the highlights. I'd like to see all those times that have shaped me, good and bad. I'd also like to see all those things, beautiful sunsets or landscapes, that I've tried so hard to remember. Like the Minnesota sunrise and sunset, Bald Knob Cross, how big the sky looks while driving down the interstate, the streets of Juarez, summer nights with fireflies all around just twinkling away, and oh so many more. I know that to see the process of becoming me and evolving, I have to see some hard stuff. I'd have to remember a lot of heart ache and unhappiness. But you can't know true happiness until you know the sadness and sorrow of life too.
I've gotten a healthy taste of spring and I like it! I love the feeling of the sun on my face, a gentle breeze rustling the trees, flowers blooming (not the trees, those make me sneeze), not wearing a jacket and scarf and a hat and gloves, wearing flip flops, and the overall joy that comes with the warm weather.
I'm being challenged this semester in lots of ways. Ways I didn't expect and ways I don't like. I suppose there's not going to just be a resting place until heaven.
Minnesota was amazing. I do no like children, but this one adorable girl made her way into my heart with her sweetness and joy. I helped her with her crafts and homework, we played tag together and I pushed her on a swing. She grabbed my hand while we were walking out to the playground and around the school. She liked me, she really did. I get kind of emotional when I think of her. I was wondering the other day what will happen when I forget her. What is she going to grow up to be? She has so many years ahead of her and she seems to have good people looking after her that care for her and I hope she gets challenged to be all that she can be and pushed to her full potential. I hope that sweet little girl grows up into an amazing woman.
I suppose it's good that I never become overly confident in my ability to lead. I think it keeps me humble and reliant. I always feel like I could be doing better.
I'm excited for Easter and going back to Bald Knob for their sunrise service.
I'm hesitant to see V again. I've managed to overcome a lot of the residual issues left behind from all of that, but I get nervous at the idea of actually being face to face with him. I guess that's why I'm waiting as long as possible. I told him I was aiming for a year, and it's been a pretty easy year of not seeing him, but it's quickly coming to an end and I know that situations may change and I'll actually be in southern Illinois a few times in the upcoming month and a run in is possible. I wasn't careful enough at Christmas and almost had a face to face. Our friendship is coming along and I don't find myself frustrated or bitter with him very often. But I also don't want to see him while he's in a relationship he knows is doomed for failure. So we'll see.
I'm just waiting for the semester to be over. I feel stuck because this phase is ending so soon, and I can't start the next phase until this one is over. But I don't want this one to be over but I do and it's all just so confusing and emotional and hard.
So I'm just here. I've began, but I don't know how to end. That's the story of my life.
posted by Jen at
3/29/2007 11:18:00 PM
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