moving forward not knowing where to go

Buy present, get dressed up, eat cake, repeat.

2008-10-14T20:22:00.002-05:00

I used to feel like all I ever do is go to weddings. Then I made a list of all the weddings I've been to. I wasn't crazy.

Since Labor Day, 2003, I've been to 17 weddings, with #18 and #19 on the way.

1. Jason and Melissa, Labor Day, 2003
2. Heather and JR, 2004?
3. Joel and Angie, 2004?
4. Jason & Ashley, 2005
5. Marissa & Ryan, 2005
6. Rusty and Dianna, 2006?
7. Hannah and Tad, 2005
8. Heather and Matt, 2006
9. Vince and Alexis, 2006
10. Erin & John, 2007
11. Melissa & Dan, 2007
12. Cat and Jeff, 2007
13. Mallory & Ben, 2007
14. Lindsey & David, 2007
15. Ashley & Brandon, 2008
16. Sarah & David, 2008
17. Brittany & Chris, 2008

Weddings to come...
18. Anna & Mike, 2008
19. Sarah & Aaron, 2009?

So, who's going to be #20? If you get married before Labor Day, 2008, you'll make my 20th wedding in 5 years! I promise to get you an extra special present for that honor!

2007-12-04T22:40:00.000-06:00

I keep doing grown up things and each time I think "now I'm an adult" but I still don't feel like one. I started paying on my student loans. I finally got my staff ID for UIS and gave up my student ID. I pay bills. I'm moving into an apartment by myself. I have a retirement plan. I guess I thought that the newness of being an adult would begin to wear off and it wouldn't scare me so much, but each time I do a new adult thing I still get a little freaked out. When does it stop being scary?

I've been trying new things. Like switching to diet coke instead of classic, regular, wonderful coke. I switched shampoos, had a real (well, more real than I've had before) coffee, and got a new chap stick.

It's December! Time for cold, and wind, and ice and maybe snow. I learned that since I'm the closest one to campus in my office, I'm the one who gets to trek in on bad snow days. Hopefully I'll be able to make it out of the parking lot.

I'm moving. Did I mention that? I don't really want to move again. I like it here. I know I'm not moving far, just across the parking lot, but still. It's another change, another adjustment. Unpacking. Stress. Not being able to find things.

Anyway, I'll get over it. I don't have much of a choice, right?

Have a good night!

Sad Cake

2007-09-15T19:31:00.000-05:00

I've never baked a cake that remained untouched for 4 days.

I'm sure it smells and tastes like salsa and mexican food now. I might as well just toss it.

Evolution

2007-09-09T21:15:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not going to debate the hot topic. I'm talking about mine.

I don't carry my planner with me wherever I go. I've carried a planner with me constantly for at least 6 years. Ever since I started being busy in high school, I've had a planner to organize my life. But I don't carry one with me anymore. I have one. I like it. But it's not chock full of events and necessary to keep my life in order. I don't need to keep track of papers and tests that are coming up. I don't have to write down the reading I have to do for the next class period. I don't have spring breaks or Thanksgiving vacations or the first/last day of classes to note, because they aren't a part of my life anymore.

Transitions.

I'm still going to CSF on Friday nights. But it's weird. I'm not there to really dig in and get to know a bunch of new people. I'm there to worship. Now if only I could worship...

I work all day. Work is a good chunk of my life. I've learned some things about myself from work, which I appreciate. I don't have to work after work. When I leave work, I'm done. No homework, no reading. My time is my time. I odn't have to feel guilty about not feeling guilty for not doing my homework. But work tends to drain me. I feel like at the end of the day my bring has been stretched, and I have to recharge before I'm fully functional again.

Transitions...

I didn't realize how much life in 'the city' changes a person. I was out in rural central Illinois last weekend and while I can see stars from my apartment, these were amazing. The kind of sky you only see out in the middle of nowhere. It was beautiful. Night time driving has also changed. I used to drive out in the country all the time and it was normal to switch between regular lights and brights. Now when I'm out in the country I forget that I have brights because I never use them in town. It's just so different.

Transitions...

I'm not sure how to transition like this. I haven't had to go through this before. I'm an adult? I'm an adult.

I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me/my life. I knew, in the back of my head, I knew. But God's been kindly showing me everywhere what it is. I'm trying to take small steps to get back in communication with Him. I bought a Beth Moore Bible study. That has to count for something, right? I hope to get myself started in it soon.

I'm trying to be me. I'm being independent. I don't know how to be independent and dependent and the same time. I need to be independent so that I can take care of myself. I need to be independent so I can do things myself. I need to be able to build my own bookshelves, move, go to the store, eat, and just be, on my own. Except I don't bake cakes anymore because it's sad to eat one by yourself and have it dry out before it's eaten. *sad face*

That's all for now. I'll have more soon, I'm sure.

Rob Bell...

2007-08-05T23:02:00.000-05:00

"It's all the twists and turns that have shaped you. So the question is, am I responding and becoming the kind of person God intended me to be? becuase ther are somethings we can only learn from the curves, the witsts and the bends."

"The only guarantee you get is that God will journey with you."

Ouch, Rob, the truth you speak hurts.

2007-08-03T19:02:00.000-05:00

so i'm offering it up
and i'm giving it to you
my frustration in a bottle
to do with it what you do

save me from my self lord
from all these earthly outs
shine a light to mark my path
that i may see what you're about

-thanks friend, this is good.

I forgot to tell you...

2007-07-16T21:49:00.000-05:00

One of the other things that gives me anxiety is children.

Which is one of the reasons I'm hesitant about becoming an aunt. I'm going to be an aunt. Jason and Melissa are popping one out.

But I think it is interesting that my brother's myspace page says he's "undecided" about kids and Melissa's says "love kids, but not for me".

Thunder stealers.... The only thing I can do to get thunder again is to get married. And we all know that isn't going to happen any time soon.

That's all.

The birds! The birds!!

2007-07-16T21:32:00.000-05:00

I like to consider myself fairly easy going. I don't get worked up over much, only the things that are near and dear to me.

But there's one thing that causes me a lot of anxiety.

Birds.

I know, it seems silly, but I promise you that they are out for me. The purposely dive bomb my car in an attempt to run me off the road, give me a stroke, hit me in the face with their beaks, or just generally freak me out.

It all started about 2 and a half months ago. I started noticing that birds were not getting out of the road when I approached, and they seemed to fly out in front of my car a lot.

And then, it happened.

It was a bright sunny morning and Lindsey and I were taking a little drive up to Hamilton in the middle of May, and as usual a bird flew out in front of me. Except this time, the bird stalled in the middle of the road and *SMACK* into my windshield!!! After a slightly major freak out, I began to wonder about the bird I hit. I had this sneaking suspicion that the thing was hanging on to my car, just waiting to attack me. Luckily it was back in the vicinity of where it hit my car, probably just chillin' like a dead bird. hehehe.

Anyway, Erin was lucky enough on Saturday to experience the treachery that is my life. This bird totally came after my car and she witnessed first hand how they have it out for me.

So, this is to tell you that I have a rational fear of birds and they give me mild anxiety. It's nice to meet you to. :)

2007-07-08T23:59:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while. Almost 3 months. Oh my, a lot has happened in 3 months. Let me fill you in while I sit and watch a bit of the Harry O’Potter.

I’ve been through a move, graduation, 2 weddings, one big trip, a couple trips home, lots of popsicles, and picking out a retirement plan. *whew* It’s been busy!

Here’s my record and memory of what’s been going on. I’ll tell you all about it (although I think all my readers were there and know it all, but it’s also so I can remember).

So I graduated. I’m done with school. Graduation went really well. It was just a little extra special since all the staff from my office was there. I came into the building and was windblown and frazzled and the ladies all pounced on me and helped me gather myself. Then as we were filing in Brian was counting people into rows on my side and he got to me, hugged me, then shunted me into my row. Backstage I got to see Peggy (who wasn’t bald, thankfully)and then Aleta and Betsy were on stage as I went across. Donna greeted me as I went back to my row and gave me a BIG hug. It was just great! Dan was sitting just behind me. Linds was down the row. Jeff was sitting a few rows back and as Cat walked across the stage he yelled “prettiest girl to graduate!” My family all came. My aunt Jane was a last minute addition as she kind of invited herself, but it went alright. It was great having everyone together again. I think my family enjoyed it too. It helped me successfully seal my spot as ‘golden child’ for a while.

Graduation also meant moving. Lindsey and I have an excellent little apartment that is great for us. Graduation also brought the end of my hiatus from the dating world. Of course, it doesn’t really change much, just that I am even more aware of my singleness and the occasional eligible bachelor I encounter.

A week later we celebrated the nuptials of John and Erin. It was a beautiful wedding and I didn’t even cry! Good times were had by all. During this span of time I managed to sleep in 5 different places in 5 nights. I felt a bit like a hobo. But a clean and cute hobo. Anyway, this was wedding #1 of the season, and it reminded me of how much I dislike being at weddings alone.

I got to add 5 more countries to my “places I’ve been” list. Belgium, the Netherlands, Italy, the Vatican, and Germany. Our cities visited included: Brussels, Rome, Florence, Venice, Verona, Cologne, Amsterdam, and Aachen. I do love to travel. And this was a great experience. We ate lots of gelato, rode the metros, took trains, walked everywhere, almost got run over by numerous Vespas, and saw some pretty spectacular things. I remember thinking several times “I can’t believe I’m at the Coliseum/Sistine Chapel/Leaning Tower of Pisa/Statue of David/etc.” It was great to see Megan and Mike and spend all that time with them. Even though Mike gave me a hard time the entire trip I was finally able to get revenge when he missed a step on the next to last train we were on and bruised his pride. One thing I learned while travelling is that I don’t like being such a consumer. It was hard to spend all that money on myself and for things. I had gotten used to travelling in a missional mindset where you try not to be a consumer at all and really get in with the people and the culture.

We returned to the states well travelled and a bit more cultured, and quite exhausted. Next up was wedding #2 of the summer, Dan and Melissa. It was beautiful and I did cry. I got a sense of what it’s like to go to weddings as an adult. Lindsey and I had a hotel room and that’s what it will continue to be for me as I travel to weddings. Soon I’ll have a room to myself, as everyone else will be married. I did have a brilliant flash of an idea for my wedding. I can’t tell you though, you might steal it and then I’d be really upset. But let me tell you, if I do this at my wedding, it will be undoubtedly the coolest thing to happen at any wedding you’ve been to!

I got to see the Fletcher’s the day after Melissa and Dan’s wedding. I forget how much I miss them until I see them again. Little Ben is growing up and he’s going to be, if he isn’t already, a little heart breaker. Ben wrote me a song, one that I won’t soon forget. Ask me about it and I’ll tell you all about it. It was simply spectacular. I loved it! I keep forgetting that I’ll be going to Camp O in the fall and that I’ll be speaking about Romans. I miss Camp O and its simplicity and beauty. I remember a trip with Katharine and Liz that was ridiculous, one with Marissa that helped reconcile us, another one with Marissa that was more fun. I got to visit Camp O about a year and a half ago (I can’t believe that was that long ago, I guess it makes sense seeing as how different things were then) and I just felt peaceful there. It has a calming effect.

Right, I’m updating. Oh, I forgot to tell you that I have a job!!!! A real, benefits providing J-O-B!! It’s reassuring and scary at the same time. They hired me because they wanted me, and think I can do it. I was pretty confident going into it. Every once in a while I get worried that I’m way too inexperienced and they’ll be disappointed in me. But Tammy keeps talking about how she wants to bump me up and ‘develop my career’ which is good, since I work at the Career Development Center. Anyway, I’m a 22 year old with a real job, benefits, and a retirement plan. This freaks me out and overwhelms me at times. I mean, am I tying myself down to something that will be hard for me to leave if I’m called to? Am I becoming too independent? Am I making it harder to do the things I want? Am I following God’s plan for my life? Am I selling out by getting a job and leading a life here? Am I going to continue to be in my world here, alone, lonely, and miss out on something bigger, or someone? It’s nice to have security, but it comes with its own hindrances.

I love summer for a few reasons. Three of them are stars, fireflies, and fireworks. I love it when those are combined. The Fourth is great for me because now it means a paid day off, AND FIREWORKS!!! Which happen at night when the stars and fireflies are out. *sigh* God loves me.

I think that’s it for now. I’m sure there’s tons I had planned on telling you but I have forgotten. Thanks for listening. I know there will be more as life continues on and seems to leave me behind at times.
Goodnight!

2007-04-16T20:35:00.001-05:00

26 days. Well, basically 25 now. 25 days until graduation. I had a really weird dream about graduation over the weekend. I had to climb these odd stairs and crawl through the railing to get to the stage and Peggy was there to greet us as we went on stage and she was bald.

I've started to wonder about the people I know. Not really about them, but about what it would have been like if we had met at a different time. What if the friends I have now hadn't met me until 5 years from now? Or what if they had just met me?

It's that time of year...

2007-04-04T22:55:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year where the weather was beautiful but it gets cold again, dashing my hopes of flowers and warm breezes and sunshine on my face.

It's that time of year where I've created a list of things standing between me and the end of the semester and the next month is going to be much busier than the last 3 combined.

It's that time of year when people are worn out and tired. Their fuses are shorter, their patience is thin, they are just tapped out. People are emotional, myself included.

It's that time of the year where I wonder if I really can make it, if I have what it takes to finish.

It's that time of year when baseball has started and people start talking about Mexican fiestas and chili nights.

It's that time of the year when I realize how distracting my TV really is and I've sworn it off for two weeks.

It's that time of my life where I find myself doing grown up things like looking at apartments and applying for jobs.

It's that time of my life where I am tired, worn out, scuffed up and listless, but there's still lots required of me and expectations had of me and I feel like crawling into a cave with a flashlight, book, and a pillow for a few weeks.

I feel like this could be me. Little girl shoes (pink, of course) because I'm still a little girl, and life had been a rough and tumble game so far.

I'm worn out. I don't have much more to give. I'm feeling that pull to just hole up and retreat. But I know that isn't fulfilling. Eventually my being will cry out for people. I need people. I need interaction. I need 'care'.

Another Alli Moment

2007-03-29T23:18:00.000-05:00

I'm finally going to catch up on some of the thoughts that have come across my mind lately. Ok, so these are really from about 4 weeks ago, but it still counts!

I got a little overwhelmed when I realized that when we grow up, people will know us individually, and not in the context of our friends and community here. For me, this means that people will meet me and get to know me as just me, not in terms of me and Erin and Lindsey. They won't understand most of my craziness and I won't be able to explain it.

I feel that there are a lot of people in 'my' generation are taking a strong interest in social issues and trying to balance out some of the inequalities within our world and love on people. What I've begun to wonder is what will the 'church' look like in 20 or 30 years when we're the ones in charge? It kind of excites me!

I think I was sitting in Brookens with Lindsey and we were talking about how at the end of our lives we would like to be able to sit back in an easy chair and watch the highlights. I'd like to see all those times that have shaped me, good and bad. I'd also like to see all those things, beautiful sunsets or landscapes, that I've tried so hard to remember. Like the Minnesota sunrise and sunset, Bald Knob Cross, how big the sky looks while driving down the interstate, the streets of Juarez, summer nights with fireflies all around just twinkling away, and oh so many more. I know that to see the process of becoming me and evolving, I have to see some hard stuff. I'd have to remember a lot of heart ache and unhappiness. But you can't know true happiness until you know the sadness and sorrow of life too.

I've gotten a healthy taste of spring and I like it! I love the feeling of the sun on my face, a gentle breeze rustling the trees, flowers blooming (not the trees, those make me sneeze), not wearing a jacket and scarf and a hat and gloves, wearing flip flops, and the overall joy that comes with the warm weather.

I'm being challenged this semester in lots of ways. Ways I didn't expect and ways I don't like. I suppose there's not going to just be a resting place until heaven.

Minnesota was amazing. I do no like children, but this one adorable girl made her way into my heart with her sweetness and joy. I helped her with her crafts and homework, we played tag together and I pushed her on a swing. She grabbed my hand while we were walking out to the playground and around the school. She liked me, she really did. I get kind of emotional when I think of her. I was wondering the other day what will happen when I forget her. What is she going to grow up to be? She has so many years ahead of her and she seems to have good people looking after her that care for her and I hope she gets challenged to be all that she can be and pushed to her full potential. I hope that sweet little girl grows up into an amazing woman.

I suppose it's good that I never become overly confident in my ability to lead. I think it keeps me humble and reliant. I always feel like I could be doing better.

I'm excited for Easter and going back to Bald Knob for their sunrise service.

I'm hesitant to see V again. I've managed to overcome a lot of the residual issues left behind from all of that, but I get nervous at the idea of actually being face to face with him. I guess that's why I'm waiting as long as possible. I told him I was aiming for a year, and it's been a pretty easy year of not seeing him, but it's quickly coming to an end and I know that situations may change and I'll actually be in southern Illinois a few times in the upcoming month and a run in is possible. I wasn't careful enough at Christmas and almost had a face to face. Our friendship is coming along and I don't find myself frustrated or bitter with him very often. But I also don't want to see him while he's in a relationship he knows is doomed for failure. So we'll see.

I'm just waiting for the semester to be over. I feel stuck because this phase is ending so soon, and I can't start the next phase until this one is over. But I don't want this one to be over but I do and it's all just so confusing and emotional and hard.

So I'm just here. I've began, but I don't know how to end. That's the story of my life.

Home

2007-03-24T02:13:00.000-05:00

I'm at Home.

It's all completely different.

I've found myself staying in the kitchen because it's the only room that hasn't changed. The other rooms scare me. It looks great, don't get me wrong, but this is not my house.

And my mom has a computer that is way nicer than mine. I'm going to burn some cd's on it, something I can't do on mine.

I was thinking...

2007-02-12T21:06:00.000-06:00

I’ve discovered the best thing for me to do is to keep a word document open so I can type a quick note on something I want to think/type about later so that I don’t forget it. Here’s what has accumulated over the past week and half (ok two and a half weeks)…

There’s a moment in the movie “That Thing You Do” where the bands song plays on the radio for the first time and the band members all run to one place and are screaming and jumping around and are just overjoyed.

That’s what I anticipate the CSF celebration dinner to be like for us in 5, 10, 15 years. Us being so overjoyed to see each other and to catch up and be young again. I’m excited for those times. I’m excited to run through an airport (or just walk quickly) looking for the long-time friend who is anxiously anticipating my arrival.

I had E! on for a few minutes a couple days ago and they were talking about the most powerful women in entertainment and obviously Oprah was #1. They mentioned how much she is worth and what she makes a year and then broke that down to what she makes every minute. Oprah makes more in one minute than I make in a month.

I’m continually amazed with how the weather in Illinois varies between seasons. We have 100° temperatures and 100+ heat indexes in the summer and single digit temps in the winter with negative wind chills, all within the same state. Here in Springfield I can experience these extremes within 6 months of each other. It kind of makes me crazy. And sick sometimes.

I’ve had a couple conversations recently about how, as Capital Scholars, we really feel a sense of ownership of UIS and we’re actually kind of snobby about it. We think it’s OUR school and we don’t appreciate transfer students coming in and being whiny and annoying. We have had to do so much work and have been so overloaded that we think our upper division course work is a piece of cake. Transfer students come in and complain that they’re expected to be in class, and to get there on time, and they ask questions like “Does our research paper have to have a reference page?” I know not all transfers are like this. I suppose that if I was in a challenging program like a science then it might be different. I do have to put up with a lot of transfers and athletes on COM and PSY and sometimes I wonder how some people made it this far and how they’re going to make it through life.

But back to the ownership thing. The tangent I meant to get off on was how since CAPs live, sleep, and eat here, we have a serious investment here. I’ve seen one set of townhouses go up and another set is getting started. The pinnacle of campus, University Hall, was built outside my window in the dorm during my freshman year. I couldn’t walk directly from UHB to PAC for a year because the Quad was being built. I’m paying for a rec center to be built and it messed up parking for me all summer, and it’s not even going to be open before I graduate. I’m afraid transfer students just can’t quite grasp the sense of pride and ownership we can have over this place.

It’s interesting how we can be in the same place, but in such different places. We’re getting ready to graduate which puts us all in this same place. But we’re all in such different places. I have no idea what kind of employment I’ll have. Others know what job they’re getting or they’re getting married and have plans. It’s just so odd.

If people we immortal, how long ago would we have run out of food and space for people?

So I had an excellent birthday! I love it when my friends can get together and mesh well. Thank you to everyone who was there and spent time with me!

The ice is coming down again. I hope classes are cancelled tomorrow and the office is closed. I asked my boss what would happen if classes were cancelled but the office was open and he replied that the ‘essential staff’ is suppose to come in. I figure if I make under $7.50 then I’m non-essential, even though it’s easier for me to get to work than anyone else. But our sidewalks won’t be cleared until Friday, more than likely.

I’m so glad I decided and stuck with this whole not dating thing. I look at my life and I see how busy I am and how full my life is already. How could I put one more thing into this? Besides, I’m no where near mature enough or solid enough to handle a relationship. I’m thankful I have examples of relationships around me. But since I’m in this weird tandem of being at the end of college-hood and on the brink of adulthood, it just seems like the best idea to leave that to occur in adulthood when things aren’t so lava lampish and changing.

I just saw the most visually interesting gcommerncial in a long time and I should have known from the beginning what kind of commercial it was. You see 2 ice sculptures of pregnant women and there is a baby doll in their belly. They are standing out in the summer sun on a sidewalk and they are melting and dripping and falling apart and crashing down and shattering on the sidewalk. There are no words, just music. It was a “Truth” commercial that says “Over 30 children lose their moms to tobacco everyday.”

2007-01-21T21:39:00.000-06:00

In my effort to have an interesting and easy senior year, I signed up for a class titled "Monsters, Medicine, and Myths". After our first class, I became afraid that the class would be of little interest. And then I started my homework for the week and one of our topics was on cryonics.

This is the question we had to answer: Is cryonics science or bovine fertilizer? What is the basis for your opinion?

Here's how I replied:
The main question the cryogenics raises in my head comes from when the preserved person is ‘restored’ and returns to ‘life’. What is this person living for? The family they knew is gone, their friends are gone, they no longer have a job, the culture has changed so many times they would be like Brendan Fraser in the movie “Blast from the Past”. Besides, you’re still going to die.

In the FAQ section of the Alcor site http://www.alcor.org/FAQs/faq01.html they openly state that they don’t have the technology to revive someone from the preserved state they put them in.

“No adult human has ever been revived from temperatures far below freezing. Cryonics patients are cared for in the expectation that future technology, especially molecular nanotechnology, will be available to reverse the cryonics process.”

People are being frozen in hopes that someday the technology will exist for them to be revived. Seriously? You couldn’t find a better way to spend your money? You don’t think there is a homeless person who would like a few hot meals and some clean clothes, or an orphan child in a third world country who could use some clean water, food, and maybe a place to live that doesn’t leak when it rains? Regardless of the technology or “science” involved in cryonics, I feel that it is ridiculous. I feel that this a prime example of how me-centered we’ve become and how little regard we show for others. Alcor requires a minimum insurance policy for their neuropreservation of $80,000.

I’ve learned about a few organizations who are trying to provide clean water, something we take for granted, to the people of Africa. One recent organization I heard about was the Mocha Club. On their website https://www.africanleadership.org/mochaclub/welcome, they outline what your money can do. If $7 can provide clean water to 7 Africans for one year, then 11,428 Africans can have clean water for a year for $80,000. 70 people could have clean water for a year for $70. $350 would provide clean water for 7 people for 50 years. $80,000 could give 1600 people clean water for 50 years.

But instead people decide to freeze themselves. They would rather live a full life, be frozen for an indefinite period of time and revived when then whole world has changed, instead of do an incredible amount of good.
I don’t care about the science behind cryogenics. I care about what else people could be doing with their resources and there is a lot that can be done.

2006-12-21T08:19:00.000-06:00

I think it's interesting that we know the earth revolves around the sun and that we are not the center of the universe, but when we talk about the Winter solstice we mention where the sun is over the earth, not how we've moved and our position puts such and such area directly towards the sun.

Anyway, welcome winter! I'm excited that from here on out the days start getting longer again.

Some things you should know before we begin...

2006-12-20T23:53:00.000-06:00

This semester I was asked what quirks I have and I honestly couldn't answer the question. I said to ask Erin or Lindsey because they could probably think of some easier than I could because I just think I'm normal (who am I kidding! I don't really, I know I'm weird). Since then I've thought of a few. This is a list of a few things you should probably know about me. Some are fun, some are serious. All are me.

I can't wear a watch while typing or sleeping. I just can't do it.

I don't eat shrimp. It's a texture thing.

I love music, but I think I experience it in a different way. My favorite songs are ones that have some sort of transition in them. I remember the music, and not necessarily the words. However when (ever) I do remember the words they are usually ones I can relate to or that speak to me.

Some would say that I improperly use the word "whenever". All I have to say about that is I'll use it whenever I want! :)

I do not like feet. But I can appreciate a foot rub if I'm wearing clean socks.

I've become incredibly forgetful and I don't like it.

I like Harry Potter. Actually, I love Harry Potter. I was that college kid who went out with her friends around Halloween dressed up as HP characters.

I get excited when I understand things. I also get excited when I feel like I'm gaining new insight on something and seeing it in a new way.

I become very passionate when thinking about the inequality in our world and how it could be fixed. "Social stratification" is what hits me the hardest. And knowing that I have so much when others have so little. Show me a news story about people who are suffering and are impoverished or are suffering because of a disaster or political unrest and I become so moved I have to fight back tears. I can't help but wonder "What can I do?" and "Since I've been given this passion and these feelings, what am I suppose to be doing with them?"

My faith is a struggle for me everyday. I'm appreciative that it's not come easy and that I have to fight to live for Jesus everyday of my life. "Everyday is a choice" has become my personal motto. I'm glad that I've had to learn my lessons and figure things out for myself because it's made my faith my own and not something that I got caught up in and followed along with. One thing I always knew but heard a wise woman say recently was that God doesn't give us a season in our lives without also giving it a purpose. I consider the past few years of my life a true struggle to make it through.

I often look at people and wonder what they're living for. So many people seem to be living for their jobs and for that next vacation and making enough money to buy expensive things. I wonder if they know that life is about so much more than that. I was in someone’s car this semester and I heard a Caedmon's Call song with the line "This world has nothing for me and this world has everything" and it's so true. Taken in the wrong context it sounds hopeless and depressed. But for me it's a reminder that the material things of this world are not what matter.

I love penguins.

I'm still learning a lot about myself. Thanks to a lady named Beth Moore I've been able to understand some things a bit better, and it's been through a study of the Patriarchs in Genesis. Isn't that strange?

I've had to learn how to be a part of my family. I had to draw something for a class this semester that represented my family and I did something that looked like a richter scale page. The very beginning and the very end had little spikes but the majority of it consisted of big, long spiky peaks in reds and oranges. I got one package from my mom when I was in the dorm when I had her send me a coat. This past week she sent me a package with an ornament and a little decoration thing in it and I just about sat down on the floor and bawled because in my fourth year away from home things are finally settled down enough to where my mom wants to send me something and I appreciate it. I'm almost crying just thinking about it now...

When I do find an artist I like I become committed to their music. I love David Crowder Band and Alli Rogers. Alli knows what's going on in my heart. I'll leave you with a few tidbits from her songs...

"I am afraid of beginning
‘cause I don’t know how to end
But you told me that the mountain before us would become a plain in our eyes
So I won’t despise I won’t despise the day
I won’t despise the day of small things"

"And if I’m brave I will find my place
Maybe courage is not all they say
Cause I have found that the sweetest moment on this road
is moving forward, not knowing where to goAnd you have never left me
I have broken down and danced around your truth
And you have never left"